The words burned my ears and I’m sure I visibly flinched in surprise because I remember trying to hold it back. In everyone else’s mind there was nothing to debate. An abortion was the ONLY right thing to do. How could I NOT know that?

I think I barely managed to fumble out a weak “Well…um….I guess…” before I was shot ‘the look’ that made me cringe inside. I felt so worn down and so…under everyone’s thumb. I had never been faced with a decision like this. Sure, I had pondered my own life and my own death prior to that, but not the life or death of…a baby. And it wasn’t just someone else out there’s baby. It was MY BABY. I had recently found out I was pregnant.

I was barely 18.

Like most, if not all girls I knew, I was taking birth control pills. Initially it was for regulating my cycles, it then became handy to avoid anything beyond that after I had become sexually active at the tender age of 16. It was one of the most awful days of my life, and I remember it like it was yesterday. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the pain and guilt. I was robbed of my innocence. I believed a lie. A huge, grotesque lie that permeated my every waking thought and controlled my every action: I was ugly, unwanted, unlovable.

Those thoughts came racing back to my mind as I was trying to sort out all that was going on so fast…so fast!

I remember sitting on the fake leather doctor’s exam table, the paper crinkling under me as I sat waiting. I had just barely finished redressing when a gentle knock on the door startled me awake from the terrible sinus infection brewing in my head. I had been sick for a couple of weeks with aches, chills, fever, coughing; the whole nine yards. It was a regular visit for medicinal support.

The doctor sat down on his little round stool and rolled himself up to his desk, straightening a few papers. He turned to me and said something about having a sinus infection and something else like bronchitis or something, I can’t really remember because he followed it up with, “You’re pregnant.”

I think I may have laughed incredulously and coughed out a “What?”. You obviously can’t get pregnant while on the pill and well, I was, and while I wasn’t super great at taking it at the right time every day, or even every day for that matter, I mean…come ON. WHAT?!

That all happened pretty much in my head at the speed of light. I remember him asking if it was planned. Um, no. Was I upset about it?

Now that question, right there, actually gave me pause. And do you know what I felt? Thought? Said? It even surprised me.

When I close my eyes and think back to that moment, the moment my life changed forever, I remember happiness. I was happy I was pregnant. I was confused and scared as well, but that happiness came over me because I had been believing the lie that I would NEVER have children, that I would NEVER get married because no one would EVER want me. At that point in my life I wasn’t sure I would live very many more years. My short life had already been marked with dark depression, suicidal tendencies and attempts.

I also remember stifling that happiness and trying to remain calm, mature and sober in front of the doctor. He asked if I was going to keep the baby. “I don’t know. I think so. I don’t know. I’ll have to tell my family, my boyfriend…” When my thoughts came to that point I started feeling less optimistic. I had known girls in high school, some were acquaintances, that had gotten pregnant and their families had kicked them out and disowned them. I honestly had no idea how anyone would respond, but I know it deflated my hopes.

He then assured me that he could help me if I didn’t want to keep the pregnancy, just let him know. In all honesty, I knew he was hinting at abortion, but really, up until that point in my life it wasn’t that real of a concept to me. I knew about it, heard about it and was aware that my mother could have chosen it for me. After all, Roe v. Wade had only been decided 8 months before I was conceived. Growing up in a liberal home I’m sure if you had asked me, I would have probably told you I was “pro-choice” but I had never been personally impacted by abortion that I knew of, it wasn’t something I had spent long hours mulling over or debating, until it was my turn to wrestle with it. And wrestle I did.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Vicki January 21, 2013 at 11:10 am

Thank you for sharing this. Abortion is such a sensitive topic, but one that DESPERATELY needs to be discussed.

I hope one day God gives me the strength to share my experience in this situation.

Reply

Traci January 21, 2013 at 11:22 am

It does need to be discussed, from all perspectives and angles. It is a real situation many people unexpectedly find themselves in and there are so many voices to sort through to find truth.

I will pray for you, that God would give you the courage and the right words to share your testimony for your healing and His glory!

~traci
xoxo

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Rebecca January 21, 2013 at 7:36 pm

Traci, oh, the lie of the pill – I discovered a few years ago, it is a chemical abortion – that’s why you can get pregnant – it doesn’t guarantee that you won’t ovulate. Truth needs to be shared on all aspects. Thank you for sharing your heart… and doing so in a loving way.

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Traci January 22, 2013 at 12:32 pm

Yes, there are so many lies surrounding pregnancy and abortion. I was faced with so many of them at a young age, it literally was a miracle I was able to choose life and keep my baby. Thank you for your sweet comments, friend.

~traci
xoxo

Reply

liza lee grace January 21, 2013 at 9:12 pm

Thankful for you, and your courage to hit publish…

I have a story, too, about unplanned pregnancy. I’ve been trying to write it out for several years and I’ve never been able to. The words come out a jumble and I can’t find a balance between saying enough and saying too much. I gotta protect the others involved, which is hard. Very hard.

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Traci January 22, 2013 at 12:36 pm

Thank you for your encouragement, Liza, it means so much to me. So many women have secret stories. I can totally relate with words coming out in a jumble and trying to find the balance, and yes, there are other people involved and that is so important to remember. Not to be ruled by, but we are called to walk in love and only you and the Lord know what is best for you and best for all. There is no rush, God’s timing is perfect and He will guide you if you trust in Him to show you when and how and all the rest of the details. You are in my prayers, sweetie. :)

~traci
xoxo

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Katie Hornor February 17, 2013 at 3:01 pm

Traci, Thanks for sharing your story. You may never know the impact it can have on others. I’m going to share it on FB this week. Loved meeting you at BEECH! Looking forward to staying in touch!

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