“Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy.
I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.”

~Psalm 61:1-4

**************

Loss.

I’ve lost…something…someone.

Where there was once hope, there is now a memory.

And that memory…is a year old now.

I’ve been ignoring it, downplaying it, putting it aside, disqualifying myself from connecting with it.

So here I am.

Learning to own this pain of loss.

Because it’s there…and it’s real…and I need to.

Inside, I can feel the wall of numbness I’ve created around my heart.

As my pulse starts to race, as I get closer to removing the barrier between my heart and the pain, I close my eyes and pray.

Whispers under breath, pleadings from the deep.

“Give me strength, Lord!”

I exhale long.

I jump…

Tomorrow will be one year to the day that my husband came home from work early because he was fired from his job.

Tomorrow will be one year to the day that barely 15 minutes after he had gotten home we received a phone call that changed everything.

Tomorrow will be one year to the day that we were informed we no longer had a son. Our baby boy, all named by God and after his new daddy, and car seat and crib and clothes and toys and baby wipes waiting for his arrival…would never come home to us.

Our adoption journey was over.

Tomorrow will be one year to the day an empty room full of baby coming home hope and gear will still be closed and undisturbed because I still can’t clean it. In spite of all that’s happened, maybe I still have hope?

I’m not telling you all of this because of any other reason than I need to.

You know how when you have a wound, and that would gets infected and the only way to get the infection out so it doesn’t spread is to lance it and let the infection flow out?

That’s me.

I need to get the infection of my pain from the loss of our baby out and writing is therapeutic and cathartic for me.

Thank you for letting me get a little bit of this out.

*************

Did you know yesterday was National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness day? I found out it was and that’s what kind of started this whole thing of me feeling like I should share. Please remember the walking wounded among us and pray for the families who have lost their children, even through adoption. It’s an indescribable, devastating heartache that changes your world and unless you have the hope of Jesus, I don’t know how you could go on and do it well. Thank you.

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Jen @ Martymom's Musings October 16, 2012 at 11:47 am

My prayers are with you Traci!

Much love,

Jen

Reply

Traci October 17, 2012 at 11:27 am

Jen, you are so kind and thoughtful to let me know you are praying for me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

~traci
xoxo

Reply

Amanda October 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Traci. Thank you for sharing. Hope replaced with a memory is so painful. Praying that your healing can begin and that you feel the prayers and love of everyone who reads this.

Reply

Traci October 17, 2012 at 11:33 am

Amanda, healing is a process and I know I sometimes stall it, I know I’ve stalled the process in this area, it cuts so deep. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Thank you so much for letting me know you care. I’m deeply grateful.

~traci
xoxo

Reply

Denise October 16, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Almost a year ago we shared a table at Relevant, we listened to music. We shared space but not words. You cried quietly and it didn’t feel right to intrude. Now I know why. The struggle in our human hearts is to see the purpose in pain. Yet, there are times the why never gets answered but the pain remains – softened, yes but still there. Praying right now for you and your heart.

Reply

Traci October 17, 2012 at 11:35 am

Oh Denise! This year, my new friend, INTRUDE! :) I am so looking forward to sharing moments, making new memories with you. Thank you so much for your prayers, my heart needs them and thanks you as well.

~traci
xoxo

Reply

Johanna Fenton October 16, 2012 at 7:39 pm

I’m listening, friend. I hear you. Breathe deeply. I’m praying for you. -Johanna

Reply

Traci October 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

Johanna, you are a gift from God to me! When I read these words, oh my heart, it swelled with the impression that God has shown me His love through you. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, my dear, sweet sister!

~traci
xoxo

Reply

Nikki October 17, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Oh Traci…I have no words. Just love.
{{HUGS}} praying for you today.

Reply

Diana Denis October 17, 2012 at 10:53 pm

“Walking wounded among us”…I can’t describe how that phrase, in light of your heartfelt admission, makes my heart ache. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your heart still aches. I know that you will always carry the weight of your loss but i also know He longs to heal you with His balm. I am, even now, praying for healing, restoration and joy to find its way to rest on you. May the breath of God breathe new hope into your spirit and into your home tonight Traci.

Reply

Jennifer Peterson October 22, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Much love and prayers to you

Reply

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