“Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy.
I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.”
Where there was once hope, there is now a memory.
And that memory…is a year old now.
I’ve been ignoring it, downplaying it, putting it aside, disqualifying myself from connecting with it.
So here I am.
Learning to own this pain of loss.
Because it’s there…and it’s real…and I need to.
Inside, I can feel the wall of numbness I’ve created around my heart.
As my pulse starts to race, as I get closer to removing the barrier between my heart and the pain, I close my eyes and pray.
Whispers under breath, pleadings from the deep.
“Give me strength, Lord!”
I exhale long.
Tomorrow will be one year to the day that my husband came home from work early because he was fired from his job.
Tomorrow will be one year to the day that barely 15 minutes after he had gotten home we received a phone call that changed everything.
Tomorrow will be one year to the day that we were informed we no longer had a son. Our baby boy, all named by God and after his new daddy, and car seat and crib and clothes and toys and baby wipes waiting for his arrival…would never come home to us.
Tomorrow will be one year to the day an empty room full of baby coming home hope and gear will still be closed and undisturbed because I still can’t clean it. In spite of all that’s happened, maybe I still have hope?
I’m not telling you all of this because of any other reason than I need to.
You know how when you have a wound, and that would gets infected and the only way to get the infection out so it doesn’t spread is to lance it and let the infection flow out?
I need to get the infection of my pain from the loss of our baby out and writing is therapeutic and cathartic for me.
Thank you for letting me get a little bit of this out.
Did you know yesterday was National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness day? I found out it was and that’s what kind of started this whole thing of me feeling like I should share. Please remember the walking wounded among us and pray for the families who have lost their children, even through adoption. It’s an indescribable, devastating heartache that changes your world and unless you have the hope of Jesus, I don’t know how you could go on and do it well. Thank you.