I’ve thought of a thousand ways to start this post. Not one single idea seemed like the right one. In all honesty, I have absolutely no idea how to talk about this. There are some things that are very sacred to me and I like to keep them to just family and a few close friends. However, given the circumstances and how I have many sweet, wonderful friends on the internets, I felt I needed to tell you where I’ve been lately. I value friendship and I know there are several of you who have been wondering about me. I wish I could be all flowery and poetic about it, but I can’t yet, so…

Today I’m recovering from minor surgery. I’m exhausted and very sore in more ways than mere physical.

A few weeks ago, we found out I was pregnant. As we monitored the pregnancy through checking my HCG levels (a fancy pregnancy hormone) and through ultrasound, things started to look good in one way, but not the other. My HCG levels were doing great, but we couldn’t find where the baby was via ultrasound. So, we waited and kept monitoring. We were also praying like crazy and seeking the Lord because it was looking as though the baby hadn’t made it all the way down to my uterus and was in my fallopian tube.

Well, on Tuesday, we got our answer. Through many, many attempts to try and locate the baby, we finally found where it had been tucked away, in my fallopian tube. Needless to say, we were devastated.

The rest is a blur, everything happened so fast, but by that evening we found ourselves in a hospital pre-op room saying good bye to our little miracle baby. Through streaming tears and muffled sobs we told the baby how much we loved it, how much we’ll miss it and how we can’t wait to see it when the Lord brings us home too.

And so we are at today. Still recovering.

I wanted to be able to tell you an amazing story, of how the Lord answered our prayers, and after over 7 long years of struggling to get pregnant and trying to find out why and using every pill, technique, gel, method and lots of money how it finally happened. I wanted to tell you how God is trustworthy and how He is enough and how no matter what happens in life you can count on Him to be faithful, and then I wanted to use our miracle baby story to prove it.

You know what?

I still can.

You know why?

Because even though this time our story doesn’t end with a full term pregnancy and a living baby, all those other things are still truer than true.

God DID give us a miracle baby.

God DID answer our prayers.

God IS trustworthy and He IS faithful.

God IS good and He IS enough, no matter what happens in life.

You see, God isn’t the one who changes, it’s our circumstances and situations that do. God is the God who was the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever. We live in a fallen world with broken bodies and I choose to trust in His unlimited knowledge that He knows what He’s doing.

Yes, I want my baby in my womb and in my arms, OH HOW I DO!! But if there was only one other place I could choose for my baby to be, it would be in the strong and safe arms of Jesus, waiting for us in Heaven for the most glorious of reunions!!

********************************************

I wrote that last week, a few days after surgery. This week, I wrote an email and we sent it to our family and church family. I’m feeling better physically with every passing day. My emotions come and go in waves. Thank you for understanding my silence as I rest with my family. I don’t know how long it will be.

Here’s the email I sent. It pretty much sums everything up. I’m a writer, I keep thinking of things to write about, but for now, it will have to wait. I need to be with my family, living in the real world, although, I may check in from time to time, so if you’re watching, you might see me. :)

Beloved Family,
Some of you know we have been struggling with infertility for over 7 years. Many of you have prayed for us, beseeching the Lord on our behalf to fulfill our desire to grow our family. Well, our prayers were heard, and answered! The Lord, in His infinite love and mercy, blessed us with a miracle pregnancy! All of a sudden, out of the blue! We were pregnant! Under the care of the best doctor in the state of MN, we monitored the baby’s progress, and at an ultrasound appointment to determine where the baby was, we found a healthy baby, with a strong heartbeat, only the baby wasn’t growing where it was supposed to. The baby was growing in my fallopian tube. Our hearts sank as we realized it was impossible to keep the pregnancy. We decided to trust the Lord’s decision to bring the baby home with Him until we could be reunited again in glory. (Oh how we are anxiously awaiting that day!!) By that evening we were in a hospital, saying goodbye to our miracle baby. It was both heart breaking and sacred. We could feel Heaven hush and the Lord’s presence was tangible as we wept and thanked Him for all that He had blessed us with and brought us through. There’s no other place, other than our arms, that we would want our baby than in the capable, loving arms of Jesus and we know for certain that’s exactly where our baby is. We also take comfort in knowing that because Jesus conquered sin and death, we WILL see our baby again and be reunited in eternity! Praise God!
 
It’s difficult to describe the irony of how deep our sorrow is and yet how filled with joy we are knowing that we were pregnant, even though we only knew our baby for a couple of weeks. They were some of the sweetest weeks of our lives! God has restored our HOPE!! We are a family and we want to tell you how grateful we are and have been for all of your support and prayers in the past leading up to this point. We also want to ask you to please, keep praying for us! If we ever needed prayer, it’s now. Not only that, if we ever needed support, it’s now.
 
We love you all, and ask that you would rejoice with us in the miracle of our baby. We praise God for His amazing blessings! We also ask that you would mourn with us at the temporary loss of our miracle baby. Our hearts are broken as we walk through our grief. We really need support right now as we heal physically and emotionally. Thank you in advance for your love and hugs. May the Lord bless you for being an example of His love through His body, the body of Christ, His beloved Church.
 
To God Alone Be the Glory,
Asa, Traci and Kayla

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Lord, Let Me Be Your Servant | ~So Much More~
August 21, 2013 at 5:11 pm

{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Mel @ Trailing After God April 5, 2013 at 11:00 am

Hugs and lots of love and prayers, my friend. I’m so sorry for your heartache right now. May you again find peace and joy as you move through this time of grief and loss. Thank you for allowing us to pray for you ♥

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Hyacynth April 5, 2013 at 11:03 am

Traci, my heart is hurting for you. I pray great peace washes over you in the midst of your grief. I pray that when the tears come, you’ll let them fall and carry out the inevitable sadness and frustration that wells up when we lose someone we so love {even the precious ones we’ve never held.}. I pray that God sends His people to you and that they would show you His love, salving over the open wounds on your heart.
We lost our baby about one month ago … a miracle baby, too, after having two early trimester miscarriages in a row. I know how much it hurts to have said goodbye so soon. If you’d like to talk, please message me on Facebook.

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Charity April 5, 2013 at 11:03 am

Much love. Much love.

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Tyler Hogan April 5, 2013 at 11:10 am

I am so sorry for your loss. That’s heartbreaking.

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Donielle April 5, 2013 at 11:37 am

Oh dear friend. I am heartbroken and in tears for you. May you feel the presence of our Heavenly Father more right now than ever before. Praying for you and your family. I’m so sorry you have to walk this road. I’m so sorry for the loss of your little baby.

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Leah April 5, 2013 at 11:42 am

So sorry to hear this! I know it must have been excruciating to write. God will bring healing. He has done it in my life and I know He will in yours! Keep hanging on to His promises and resting in the embrace of His love.

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jenn perry April 5, 2013 at 11:52 am

my heart hurts for you and with you. you have been so very strong through all of this – and your words are just beautiful. love you so much, my dear. and yes – he is faithful! xo

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Krista April 5, 2013 at 12:00 pm

Sis,

You know what I want to say..I said all I had to just by being by your side. Every day is a miracle, every life is a blessing. As we get older and go through our struggles, we will realize that GOD only gives us what we can handle. You are strong…you are brave…you are my inspiration. As we have connected on an issue that is so devastating, it has brought us so much closer than I ever thought it could. I love you with all my heart and will always be that shoulder to cry on.

Love your big sis,

Krista

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jennifer kindle April 5, 2013 at 12:04 pm

No words. Just love, standing in the gap and prayers for you.

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Heathahlee April 5, 2013 at 1:22 pm

Oh, Traci…rivers streaming down my cheeks. Praying for you, sweet sister!

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Genevieve April 5, 2013 at 1:27 pm

Oh, Tracy. How my heart breaks for you! I encourage you to take your precious baby home (he or she is probably in a pathology lab somewhere if anything like my experience) so you can bury your miracle and have a place to grieve and remember by. I went through a TOTAL MIRACLE pregnancy like yours – AFTER my tubal ligation and cancer – and it, too, was ectopic. My sweet Theodore is dancing in heaven, but I still go through periods of unspeakable grief, even 4 years later. I’m posting a link to my posts about my son in case you want the comfort of another testimony to the grief to read.

Mostly, I am simply praying. For healing, for a baby BORN, for beauty to grace these weary days, for Him to be oh so close to you as you mourn.
much love my sweet friend
Genevieve
http://www.turquoisegates.com/p/losing-theodore.html

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Jen @Martymom's Musings April 5, 2013 at 5:23 pm

I echo Genevieve’s suggestion…I went through this when I lost Abigail. I hope and pray if that is what you want doors will be opened.

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Natasha Metzler April 5, 2013 at 2:11 pm

celebrating that you have a little one.
heartbroken that you had to say goodbye.

I wish I could give you a hug.
I am praying, praying that you will see the redemption of this heartbreaking pain.

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Jeni April 5, 2013 at 3:08 pm

So sorry to hear about your loss, Traci. It’s never easy, but it’s especially hard when it’s attached to so much hope. Praying for your family and peace. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

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Denise April 5, 2013 at 4:02 pm

Celebrating he was; heartbroken at what is and rejoicing at the promise that one day you will hold him in your arms. Until then may you feel the strong arms of the Father holding you tight.

Praying.

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Beth Zimmerman April 5, 2013 at 9:56 pm

Oh sweet Tracie! I think you did a wonderful job of sharing your heart! I’m so sorry you are having to walk this path of pain but so grateful that you know He walks with you! Love you, sweet girl! Praying for healing!

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anna April 6, 2013 at 9:58 pm

Oh friend. I was wondering about you. I am so, so sorry. Sorry for you, for me, for all of us in this awful club of mamas who have yet to meet our babes. Praying peace over your family.

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Kristen April 7, 2013 at 2:33 am

Oh my darling girl, my heart aches for you and I have tears in my eyes. I have been where you are right now and know that your strong faith and loving family and friends will get you through this sad time. It’s not easy, bless you.

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MarshaMarshaMarsha April 8, 2013 at 9:14 am

Oh precious Traci, I am weeping and rejoicing with you. I am so sorry for your loss and your hurt. I am praying for healing for your body and encouragement for your heart.

Ian is our miracle baby… Given to us after waiting and infertility treatments and resigning ourselves to the fact that maybe another child is not in God’s plan for us.

I am thankful for our HOPE in Jesus Christ! I am thankful for a very loving Heavenly Father that loves us (and our children) even more than we could fathom or dream! And I pray that He will give you the desires of your heart.

Much love and prayers for you. (((hugs)))
Marshie

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Rachel Holland April 8, 2013 at 9:14 am

Oh Tracie – I am so sorry. There are no words, just lots of prayer for you and your family.

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Wendy April 8, 2013 at 9:18 am

Oh sweet friend, how I long to hug on you. My heart aches for your loss. Know that I am lifting you up to our Abba, asking Him to give you a supernatural peace and for you to feel His loving arms around you in comfort. Love you much.

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Nikki April 8, 2013 at 9:46 am

Just….{HUGS}
It is a comfort to know that God is good all the time and He never changes…may you keep leaning in to that truth.
And may you also find comfort in knowing HE is weeping with you. for this life He hand crafted. You have every reason to mourn and wail and love on your family just a bit harder than normal.

And what glory–the day God gets to make the introduction! I can’t wait, either…

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Debra Holmen April 8, 2013 at 10:30 pm

I am so sorry. And so thankful for the clarity and certainty regarding your baby’s whereabouts. Jesus is our only comfort. So sorry. debra

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Kristin April 9, 2013 at 12:35 pm

Praying for you sweet friend! So very sad for you and your loss. Praising with you that your baby was a miracle baby and is in loving arms. Praying still for your recovery and healing. ((hugs))

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Barbie April 13, 2013 at 1:02 am

I’m so sorry for your loss. I do thank God for your miracle baby. Sending you big hugs and lots of prayer!

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Carol Anne April 17, 2013 at 8:21 pm

((Traci)) I had no idea you are enduring this difficult loss. I pray God’s comfort will hover over you in increasingly sweet ways. I am so sad. <3

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