I’ve thought of a thousand ways to start this post. Not one single idea seemed like the right one. In all honesty, I have absolutely no idea how to talk about this. There are some things that are very sacred to me and I like to keep them to just family and a few close friends. However, given the circumstances and how I have many sweet, wonderful friends on the internets, I felt I needed to tell you where I’ve been lately. I value friendship and I know there are several of you who have been wondering about me. I wish I could be all flowery and poetic about it, but I can’t yet, so…
Today I’m recovering from minor surgery. I’m exhausted and very sore in more ways than mere physical.
A few weeks ago, we found out I was pregnant. As we monitored the pregnancy through checking my HCG levels (a fancy pregnancy hormone) and through ultrasound, things started to look good in one way, but not the other. My HCG levels were doing great, but we couldn’t find where the baby was via ultrasound. So, we waited and kept monitoring. We were also praying like crazy and seeking the Lord because it was looking as though the baby hadn’t made it all the way down to my uterus and was in my fallopian tube.
Well, on Tuesday, we got our answer. Through many, many attempts to try and locate the baby, we finally found where it had been tucked away, in my fallopian tube. Needless to say, we were devastated.
The rest is a blur, everything happened so fast, but by that evening we found ourselves in a hospital pre-op room saying good bye to our little miracle baby. Through streaming tears and muffled sobs we told the baby how much we loved it, how much we’ll miss it and how we can’t wait to see it when the Lord brings us home too.
And so we are at today. Still recovering.
I wanted to be able to tell you an amazing story, of how the Lord answered our prayers, and after over 7 long years of struggling to get pregnant and trying to find out why and using every pill, technique, gel, method and lots of money how it finally happened. I wanted to tell you how God is trustworthy and how He is enough and how no matter what happens in life you can count on Him to be faithful, and then I wanted to use our miracle baby story to prove it.
You know what?
I still can.
You know why?
Because even though this time our story doesn’t end with a full term pregnancy and a living baby, all those other things are still truer than true.
God DID give us a miracle baby.
God DID answer our prayers.
God IS trustworthy and He IS faithful.
God IS good and He IS enough, no matter what happens in life.
You see, God isn’t the one who changes, it’s our circumstances and situations that do. God is the God who was the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever. We live in a fallen world with broken bodies and I choose to trust in His unlimited knowledge that He knows what He’s doing.
Yes, I want my baby in my womb and in my arms, OH HOW I DO!! But if there was only one other place I could choose for my baby to be, it would be in the strong and safe arms of Jesus, waiting for us in Heaven for the most glorious of reunions!!
I wrote that last week, a few days after surgery. This week, I wrote an email and we sent it to our family and church family. I’m feeling better physically with every passing day. My emotions come and go in waves. Thank you for understanding my silence as I rest with my family. I don’t know how long it will be.
Here’s the email I sent. It pretty much sums everything up. I’m a writer, I keep thinking of things to write about, but for now, it will have to wait. I need to be with my family, living in the real world, although, I may check in from time to time, so if you’re watching, you might see me.