It’s quiet.

(Well, I can hear the water trickling from the filter in the fish tank. That’s right, I need to fill that.)

And dark.

(Well, I can see the light shining in through the dining room windows from the street light outside.)

I’m sitting in “my spot” on the couch, holding the pillow from my bed.

I’m alone.

(Well, my dog heard me get up and followed me into the living room.)

I stare into the darkness.

A wave of sadness rises from within me, I bury my face into the pillow to muffle my sobs, my pillow catches streams of tears. I like this pillow. It has a soft pink case on it I got from Grandma Johnson. I’m so glad she’s with Jesus, and I miss her.

It’s late.

(Hmmm…I guess I could hear the clock ticking, too. There’s a symphony of night sounds going on in my house when I’m usually asleep. Cue the wind making the house creak.)

My husband’s trying to sleep. He gets up early and works hard for us. I’m so blessed by that man. He’s my hero. He dances with me and we giggle at each other. He has my heart.

My heart is beating. I’m breathing harder. My sadness is lingering long tonight.

I try, but I can’t stop thinking about how my baby would be 9 weeks old today.

If it were still nestled in my womb.

But, it’s not. And it isn’t. And it won’t be.

It’s Tuesday.

It was a Tuesday we found you were with us. It was a Tuesday we said good bye and you left us. It happened so fast.

I’ve always known pain, but this? This is the ultimate heartache any human can feel.

The loss of a loved one, a beloved one, a hoped-for and long-awaited one.

I burst into stifled sobs, again.

Thank you, sweet pillow. You remind me of Jesus.

Yes, you do. How?

Because just as you, He is there to comfort me. Just as you, He is there to catch my tears. Just as you, He is the pillow I can nestle my head into when the nights of weeping come.

But, unlike you, and it’s ok, dear pillow, He shelters me when the storms of life crash their swelling waves upon the shore of my heart, engulfing all of me.

Unlike you, my pillow, Jesus keeps all my tears in a bottle and He knows how many hairs are upon my head and on the palm of His hand, oh pillow of mine, MY face is inscribed! He even thinks of me, and His thoughts toward me? If you were to try and count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand on the sea!

He even understands me. All of me. All of my pain, all of my fears, all of my doubts and insecurities.

He gets me. He loves me. He grieves with me.

I feel my heart becoming calm, I hear my breathing relax.

I’ve released my pillow from the half nelson I had subconsciously gripped it with.

The whirlwind is subsiding, my emotional tornado has passed.

I don’t even need to ask how. I know.


He has been to me, what His Word says He will be. He has shown me Who He is, right when I needed it. He does this for all of His children. It’s true. It’s right here in the Bible, His Word, to us.

Psalm 61

“Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy.
I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings. Selah

For You, O God, have heard my vows;
You have given me the heritage of those who fear Your name.
You will prolong the king’s life,
His years as many generations.
He shall abide before God forever.
Oh, prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve him!

So I will sing praise to Your name forever,
That I may daily perform my vows.”

This is only one Psalm. There are many stories and many words of comfort to be found in the Bible.

If you want to know God, you must read His word, for in it, He tells us all we need to know of His nature, everything we need to know to trust Him, to love Him and to let Him love us. This is how I know Him, I’ve read His words and He’s walked with me and we’ve fleshed out who He is together.

This is how I can mourn yet still have joy! This is how I can be devastated yet still have hope!

I know whom my God is.

He’s waiting for you to come. He’s ready for you to let Him love you. He longs to be your partner in the dance through this life, for He is the composer of the music that sways us to His side.


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Lord, Let Me Be Your Servant | ~So Much More~
August 21, 2013 at 5:12 pm

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Sharla April 17, 2013 at 3:27 pm

Oh my sweet friend…how I have prayed for you to be comforted in this deep loss. How I have prayed for your family. I know there is no need for me to pray for your precious baby, already waiting for you in the arms of Jesus. I will keep praying for you, for comfort, for peace, for a miracle.


Natasha Metzler April 17, 2013 at 3:29 pm

Oh, I feel this.


GiGi April 17, 2013 at 8:06 pm

So so so sorry. I know all too well that feeling. I lost 5 sweet babies and the pain hurts… praying for you…. xoxoxoxoxoxo


Kat April 18, 2013 at 6:38 am

I’m so sorry, Traci. I’m praying for you this morning.


Amy Tilson April 18, 2013 at 2:04 pm

Traci, I am so sorry for your pain and loss. Let those tears flow when you need and know that every one is noticed.


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