Mostly, I’ve been a procrastinator because of my perfectionism. This time, I’m a procrastinator because I don’t want to let go.

I don’t want to NOT be a homeschooling mama.

I don’t want to NOT be a teaching mama.

I don’t want to NOT be who I’ve been for the last 19 years. I don’t want to let go of who I’ve come to be.

Over the years, this journey has made me a mom.

I remember when this all started, that hot day in July, after 2 recent hospitalizations for premature labor due to dehydration,  I had turned 19 just 25 days before. I still wore braces. That didn’t stop my Love from invading my life, forever changing the trajectory of all I knew and where I was heading.

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING OR WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO.

My life and upbringing were the very fodder PBS specials were written from. How in heaven or on earth was I going to care for and raise a helpless baby to adulthood while I was still a helpless babe myself?!

I can still picture the ratty, old thrift store couch I was sitting on as I cradled my new baby close, silently sobbing so as not to alarm her peaceful countenance. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was praying, or more begging, for someone to help me. I was so afraid and acutely aware of the fact that unless something changed, my freshly birthed bundle of preciousness would be doomed to the same fate as my wretched life. I was barely hanging on, how could I keep hanging on for someone else?!

I was petrified.

Even so, I knew I had made the right decision, as hard as it was, from the beginning to the end of my pregnancy, to keep her.

And here we are.

Jesus saved me a month later, I’ve been growing in my faith and life ever since.

And she’s seen and been through it all, right alongside me.

And I’ve become a mother. A teacher. A friend. A person.

Because He blessed me with life, my daughter’s, then He blessed me with eternal life, through His Son’s, I am fully alive today.

Can you see why I would struggle with letting it go? Why I want this chapter of life to continue to be written out? It’s all I’ve ever known, it’s all I’ve ever lived for the past 19 years and I’ve come to LOVE IT, to let it love me, and to really appreciate it.

Even though I knew it would end ‘some day’, that elusive future date, I think a part of me was in disbelief, as evidenced by my current reason for procrastinating, ahem.

I’ve reasoned in my head that if I just put off the cleaning, rearranging and sorting of all of our homeschool books and things it will prolong the joy I had while using them. Oh the joy! (and no, it didn’t start out that way AT ALL)

You see, I look at homeschooling more as life learning. I’ve come to a place of telling people this when I encourage them about teaching their children:

“Life IS learning, learning IS life!” 

It is a natural extension of what we’ve been doing as parents since our babes came out of the womb, why not keep going? (I say that now, but for the record, as a struggling, single mother I wasn’t able to start schooling at home until I was married in 2006.)

I will be crying for a while as I let go. That’s what I do and I’m ok with that. It’s a natural, human response to loss and change. I want you to know my tears will not all be sorrowful. They will also be laced with deep gratitude and intense awareness of the gifts the Lord has bestowed upon me, so very undeservedly.

I will also be praying. Praying for you, sweet parents who are life learning with your precious ones. I’ll be praying for the ones whose hearts desire to do so but can’t, and I’ll be praying for the ones who have chosen public or private school too, for we are ALL stewards of the blessings the Lord has given to us in our children and we ALL need the Holy Spirit to guide, encourage and comfort us as we walk with our sweet ones on this adventure called ‘life’. We ALL need the Lord.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I shall be mustering up the courage to clean…right after I hold my Love really tight, for a little while longer, whispering in her ear her value and the depth of love her mama, daddy and Jesus have for her.

I’m so glad I don’t have to let go of HER!

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Traci September 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

The picture is beautiful and my heart tugs with your words.

We sat at the same table a few times last year at Relevant. You were always so kind. I went last year alone – much like a wallflower – standing on the sidelines. I see that you are going to Allume this year…I hope that we can share a table and conversation at some point during the weekend.

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Paula Barnett September 14, 2012 at 10:31 am

You have described a “letting go” that I recently experienced, Traci.
When all the books were packed away…the door flew open to my dismay. A new world. &&&& You, Traci, are among the gifts I find within it!

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