*deep breath*

My eyes are closed as I exhale, trying to find the place to begin…

You know how when you haven’t seen a good friend in awhile and you can’t remember the last thing you talked about and then you realize they don’t know how something life changing turned out? And you want to fill them in. But you know two words into picking up where you last left off you’re most likely going to lose it and become a blubbering mess in front of them and they only got part of what you said so they’re sitting there all confused and stunned and then you can feel them sitting there all confused and stunned so you get all awkward inside and try to back peddle and all that comes out is a meager, “sorry…”?

Yeah. That.

That’s how I feel where we are when I think of all the time that’s passed since I told you about our adoption not happening. So many times I wanted to “pick up the phone” and “call” to let you know, I just couldn’t.

It’s a heartache that goes beyond the heart and invades your very soul. A pain so deep and raw your eyes sting with constant tears and you hide in busy-ness and use your energy to just not crumble every time you see something, ANYTHING, related, even remotely, to a baby.

I HAVE been dealing with things. I guess I just need more time than I thought I might.

I don’t cry at the drop of a hat anymore. But, I do cry. I don’t constantly ache for my womb to be filled. Well, not totally constantly. I still hold back when children are around. I hold my heart back. I don’t give my all, or at least all that I could. I AM trying tough, I really am trying.

So, about what happened. I’d like to tell you. I WILL tell you. I wanted you to know that I am in the process of writing, well, typing, it all up for you. I’m just not sure what to share. There’s a lot. It’s been a year. It started longer ago than that. I do feel it’s been long enough now and now that we’re not in contact with anyone involved it’s ok to tell more.

I hope that’s ok. I have been feeling lately like in a way I “owe” it to so many of you who were with us and cheering us on in the stands like in the Olympics, only, we didn’t win gold, we never even finished. It’s hard to tell people you never even finished. The disappointment is there, I’m hoping you all understand.

So as I hit keys on my laptop to form the words to share with you, know that I am praying my way through it all, asking the Lord to guide me, and that my husband is reading everything before I hit “publish”, and that he is in this with me and we could still use prayer. We’re trying to talk to each other more about it all. It’s hard, but more on that later.

I don’t know how long it will take. I don’t know how frequent I’ll post about it. If it gets too heavy, you’ll see a random recipe post or something to break things up. I still plan on posting some of my regular stuff like Sabbath Song and I’ve joined the 5 Minute Friday gang.

I’m telling you this because we’re friends, and I thought it would be fair to you who keep checking back to see me, to see how I’m doing, if I’ve finally come to a place of answering about that elephant in the room that keeps asking, “WHAT HAPPENED?”

I can’t tell you how much it means to me to know that you are so supportive and understanding. It makes me cry happy tears! MWAH! I would so hug you right now!

I do hope you will come back and stick with me while I fumble the words out. I just love seeing your faces and knowing you’re here. That’s what community is all about, right? The whole, “I got yer back, sistah!” and all that. ‘Cause you KNOW I got yours, right? Right! 😀

Sooooo, I’m going to hit the “publish” button now and try not to worry. I know I didn’t just come right out and start yapping away about things but that’s just not me. This is very hard for me to share, but, I know I must.

And, as always, may the Lord be glorified in all that I say and do, to His name alone doth all the glory go…

Soli Deo Gloria!

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Stacey August 13, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I’m still praying for you sweetie. Tell or don’t tell, but do it at your own pace. Hugs to you all from PA!!!

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Suzanne August 13, 2012 at 10:18 pm

I do have your back. I love you so and can only imagine. If you finish the story, I’ll be reading. If not, I’ll still be here, supporting you. Do only what you need when you need. You don’t owe any of us anything. Much love, sweet sister!

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Deb Weaver August 14, 2012 at 9:03 am

(((HUGS))) for your great bravery, Traci. Share what you can, when you can. Some stories just can’t be told until they’re processed with a bit more time and a bit more healing. And some won’t be told until we get to the Other Side. Both are precious in God’s timing. Be kind to yourself as you continue to walk in this path littered with potholes of grief and pain.

Deb Weaver
thewordweaver.com

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